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Mattie buried her head in the pillow. She hadn't intended to hurt him, but how could she make him understand. She hadn't told anyone in London before, but maybe now was the time.
There was someone else,' she began, her voice faltering. In Yorkshire. Someone I was very close to. We had known each other since we were children and everyone assumed that our relationship was... sort of permanent. That was the trouble. No one asked me, they just assumed. But I wanted something more, and when he forced me to choose between him and my career, I chose my career. It was the only way for me to live with myself, Johnnie!' she exclaimed, as if fearing that he would neither understand nor accept. His cold expression told her she was right.
'But... he went to pieces. There were begging letters, midnight telephone calls. I would see Him just standing at the end of my street, waiting for hours, sometimes all through the night.'
She drew a deep breath as if the memory were exhausting her. Then, there was a car crash. A long, straight piece of road with no other traffic, and his car hit a tree. They had to cut him out. When I heard, it was as if it were all my fault, as if I had been the one who had crashed the car. I felt so guilty, do you see, yet I felt so angry with myself for feeling that way. I hadn't done anything wrong!'
She desperately wanted to justify herself and convince him that she deserved no blame but tears of anguish and self-recrimination were filling her eyes and starting to roll, one by one, down her cheeks.
It took every piece of willpower that I had to go to the hospital, and the hours I spent in the waiting room were the loneliest I have ever known. Then the nurse came to tell me that he wouldn't see me. Never wanted to see me again. Left me standing in the middle of that hospital feeling completely and utterly worthless.'
She was struggling hard to keep hold of her emotions now, as the recollections stirred deep within her. It was all or nothing for him, Johnnie. I really did care for him, yet all I did was cause him pain and turn his love to hatred. It... it nearly killed him. That's why I left Yorkshire, Johnnie, to bury that feeling of worthlessness and guilt through my work. And for what it's worth, I'm beginning to like you too much to risk all that again.'
As she spoke, his eyes once more met hers. The sarcasm and anger had left him as he listened, but there was still a hard, determined edge to his voice when he spoke.
'Believe me, I know what it's like to lose the one you love and have your world pulled apart around you. I know how much pain and loneliness it's possible to feel when it happens. But you weren't driving that car and you can't change the facts simply by running away from them. And that's precisely what you are doing - running away!'
She shook her head in denial but he cut her short. 'When you came to London, you may have been chasing your future - but you were also hiding from everything which hurt you in the past. Yet it's not going to work, Mattie, don't you see? You can't hide away in journalism- investigating, exposing pulling people's worlds apart in search of the truth - unless you are willing to face those people afterwards and live with their pain.'
'That's unfair...' she protested.
Is it? I hope so for your sake, because if you can't accept the fact that your work may cause a lot of innocent people great hurt, then you'll never be a good journalist. Look for the truth, Mattie, by all means, but only if you're willing to recognise and share the pain it may cause. If you think it's enough just to float like a butterfly from one story to another, never hanging around long enough to see the damage that your version of the truth might inflict on other people, how the devil can you put any real value on your work? It's your job to criticise self-important politicians, but how dare you criticise the commitment of others if you are afraid to commit yourself? You say you are afraid of commitment. But commitment is what it is all about, Mattie. You can't run away from it for ever!'
But she was already running, sobbing into the bathroom and into her clothes. In a minute she had fled out of the front door, and all he could hear was the echo of her tears.
MONDAY 8th NOVEMBER - FRIDAY 12th NOVEMBER
The criticisms of the weekend press kicked the campaign to life early on Monday morning. Encouraged by the media view that the right contender still had not emerged, two further Cabinet Ministers announced their candidatures - Peter McKenzie, the Secretary of State for Health, and Patrick Woolton, the bluff Foreign Secretary.
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