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“Because it would make things so much easier.”
And that’s the draw. That’s what makes it so tempting: how much easier things would be. But just because it would be easier doesn’t make it right. And frankly I don’t appreciate being called up after all these years and after all our efforts to be offered what we already turned down.
“If you take the job,” I tell Scott, “then everything that has happened—the struggles, the hard work, the effort— all of it will have been for nothing.”
“But maybe we made a mistake all those years ago.”
“It’s never a mistake to follow your heart and refuse to conform. As long as we keep trying instead of giving in, we’re on the right path.”
“Okay,” he says, and drops it. And the next day he calls his old supervisor and tells him, like he did so many years ago, that he doesn’t want to work for Customs. I listen to him on the phone, and for the first time in a long time, I’m positive that it’s the right thing. If we knowingly accept something we don’t want, something that feels wrong, then we’ll never achieve what we want. What we don’t want will become our life. I see it all around me: people who take things “in the meantime” and never leave because nothing better ever comes along. Everywhere I look, I see people who are playing the game but not getting the payoff.
The same thing is happening to me. I’m just doing what’s expected, accepting my best option, but it’s not what I actually want. I’m telling Scott that he needs to be free; well so do I!
So I complete the academic year, but when they ask if I’ll come back next year and teach more sections on a contract basis, I turn them down. I e-mail Dr. Terrill and say thank you, but I’m pursuing another path. She writes back to say that they’re sorry to hear that, but I’m not. I love to hear myself say that! I may not know exactly what I want, but I know I don’t want unhappiness. I want happiness! I want fulfillment!
I explain myself to Rachel at a good-bye lunch she insists I join her for. It’s amazing how circumstances can bring people together. This is the first time we’ve had lunch.
“What are you going to do?” she asks me.
“I don’t know yet. I’ll find something.”
“Why don’t you stay on for another year, and give yourself more time to figure things out?”
She doesn’t understand. I want to explain it to her, but every explanation that pops into my head sounds like a criticism, and I don’t want to insult her. So, instead of explaining myself, I say, “It’s not too late, you know. You can turn down your job and be unemployed like me.”
I’m joking, of course. It’s no use being serious. She wouldn’t give up what she has. She’s worked hard and this is her payoff: a secure, respected job. She doesn’t understand me, and I just have to leave it at that. I know she’s feeling sorry for me, and that’s okay, because I’m feeling sorry for her, too.
Dropping Out
I realize that turning down a job, any job, when you have a family and a mortgage and student loan payments is one of the most irresponsible things a person can do. Scott and I defend my decision over and over on the phone to family. “She was asked to stay on, but she decided not to,” I hear Scott say. “Of course I support her decision.”
“I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet,” I tell my dad.
“Was it really that bad?” he asks.
“It wasn’t what I wanted.”
I know there’s a difference. It wasn’t terrible or intolerable, but it wasn’t making me happy. I always promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get trapped, and I’m keeping that promise.
“You understand, don’t you?” I ask Scott after Morgen’s in bed. We’re sitting in our living room, the baby monitor beside us and a bottle of wine on the table between us.
“Of course.”
“No one else understands.”
“No, they don’t,” Scott agrees. “They think we’re crazy.”
We laugh at this. We don’t think it’s crazy at all.
Scott refills our glasses and lifts his. “Well, here’s to us,” he says.
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