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I sit down on a plastic chair and stare at the paper. This isn’t right. It’s completely unacceptable that anyone should have to endure something they dislike this much. I confront him on it that night, and he just shrugs.
“Why are you surprised?” he asks. “You know I hate my job.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know you hated it that much.”
He shrugs again. “Well, I do. What can I say?”
“You can say you’ll find something else. Find something you like.”
“There is nothing, Mel. I’m not like you. I don’t enjoy work. To me, it’s just something that has to be done. So I do it. One job’s just as bad as the next. It doesn’t matter.”
But it does matter! Happiness matters. “What would make you happy?” I ask. “What is it you want?”
“I don’t know.” We both fall silent. Then he blurts, “It’s just that it’s like everything’s on hold. You’re working toward your big goal, and that’s great, but it’s so far off. It’s going to be another five years before you’re done with your PhD, and that’s a long time to wait to get on with our lives, to start a family and stuff. I’m tired of everything being on hold. I don’t want to always be waiting for the future.”
I listen and consider what he says. It’s true that I’m working toward a goal, but that doesn’t mean our lives are on hold. I want us to work toward our ultimate happiness and fulfillment, but I also want us to be happy now. We need to enjoy ourselves along the way.
If there’s a way to make ourselves happier now, I’m all for it. If Scott wants to try something else, he should. We can get on with other parts of our lives if we want to. School isn’t everything. Besides, I have it all under control. I’ve proven that I can handle school and anything else I decide to take on.
That gives me an idea. “How about this?” I ask him. “What do you think about being a stay-at-home dad?”
He stares at me, not understanding. This is coming from out of the blue. We’ve talked about having a baby, but it was always in the distant, abstract context, not the real, now, let’s actually do it kind of way.
“What if I got pregnant?” I say. “What if we had a baby before I start grad school, and I could go to school and you could stay home with the baby?”
“What?”
Yes, this could work. In a year I’ll be going to grad school, where I’m sure I’ll have full scholarships. Then I’ll be at a point where I can take care of us. I’m sure I can more than handle it.
“Think about it,” I say, “if I get pregnant in the next two months, we can have the baby right when I graduate. I’ll have the summer to stay home, and then I’ll start grad school, and you can stay home.” My mind’s racing, making sense of it, mapping it out: the baby will be two when I graduate with my master’s. We can move for my PhD, and I’ll graduate with my doctorate when the child’s four. I’ll have a year to find my dream job and get settled in our new lives before the child starts kindergarten. It’s perfect.
Scott’s thinking it through.
“Seriously,” I push, “this could be our one chance to do this because once I start grad school, I’m going to be too busy to be pregnant. So, it’s either now or it’s in five years when I finish my PhD. Why not now? We can do it, I’m telling you.”
“Okay,” Scott says. “Let’s do it! Let’s have a baby!”
Year Six
Pregnancy
According to the home pregnancy test I just took, the fifth one this week, I’m pregnant! Scott runs to the drug store and buys another test, just to be sure. It’s positive. We can hardly believe it. One minute, it’s just an idea, and the next, it’s real. It’s actually happening!
As soon as I know there’s a life growing inside me, I feel different. Now everything I do, every breath I take, and every decision I make affects another person. Should I have chips or carrot sticks? Should I read one more chapter before bed or get extra sleep? The answers are the opposite of what I’d normally choose, but it’s not all about me now. I walk through the grocery store and feel different than everyone else; I walk through campus to classes and I feel more special than I used to. I have a secret that no one else knows about yet.
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